|This page and its contents, are very calming.
Calm also known as /calm/ or #calm in Discord land is an experimental anger management program for soyjaks exhibiting extremely violent schizophrenic behavior. The program consists of various forms of treatments, cognitive behavioral therapies (CBT), and meditation.
Many prominent soyentists have raised concerns over the practices used in /calm/ and the program's efficacy. Some activist groups argue it is a violation of Soyjak Rights to deprive a 'jak of Soylent for multiple days. This claim is false and has been thoroughly debunked by science and multiple peer-reviewed studies. Many doubt the program is even effective at all, since calm soyjaks are known to accumulate pent-up anger and could snap at any moment.
Most graduates of the program remain calm, however some enter a permanent state of being "agitated". These patients must remain isolated as to avoid becoming triggered.
Treatments[edit | edit source]
Week 1[edit | edit source]
- Mandatory BBC therapy for a minimum of 12 hours per day.
- Bugs fasting: patients may only consume Impossible whoppers and cockroach milk for the first 3 days
- Mandatory viewing: Neil deGrasse Tyson's Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey
Week 2[edit | edit source]
- Mandatory viewing: Neil deGrasse Tyson's Cosmos: Possible Worlds
- ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇ ▇▇▇▇▇▇▇ (CBT)
- Mandatory viewing: National Geographic Documentary - Fauci (2021)
- Group meditation session: relaxing nature sounds
Week 3[edit | edit source]
- 50µg Sproke-flavored Fentanyl lollipop every 12 hours
- Excursion to the local planetarium to watch Neil deGrasse Tyson's Dark Universe
- Make-your-own Funko Pops
- Ear surgery
- Breakfast For Dinner
Week 4[edit | edit source]
- Group meditation session: with Jefre Cantu-Ledesma music
- Grammar workshop: importance of using though at the end of your sentences
- Deep breathing exercises: how to count to 10
- Coping seminar: how to win arguments by conceding
- The BCI microchip surgery
- Final exam: planetary science and biology
- Chloral hydrate
- Ethyl chloride
- Prostanthera striatiflora
- Bromide salts
In event of relapse[edit | edit source]
In extremely rare circumstances, anger-inducing stimuli may trigger a calm patient to relapse into explosive rage. Should this occur, the first priority is to isolate the patient from other /calm/ soyjaks immediately, so as to not introduce any negative emotions into their routines and possibly contaminate them. The uncalm patient is then to be sedated wth 5mg of the tranqulizer carfentanil and 1mg of ketamine, which is to be administered by no fewer than twenty doctors and nurses. During an Uncalm episode, the Pentagon is to go to DEFCON 2.
Citations[edit | edit source]
- Pants on Fire! on PolitiFact and also debunked by Snopes